when the moon shrugs its shoulders while i am drowning in an overwhelming crisis of questions as everyone else blissfully sleeps on, unaware of my crushing struggles, i conjecture there are but two options remaining:
a. pray
b. write
why not both at once.
my thoughts form many phrases which i hesitate to type.
many things build up to one thing which seems to cause the rest to tumble into a confusion of mess.
it seems as though my entire application to oxford rests on one certain history paper.
which i bombed.
why is it that they have no interest in my english papers?
english being the particular subject i am majoring in.
for so long oxford has shimmered in a haze on the horizon.
i have galloped fast and far. focusing on this faint hallucination.
which now appears to be quickly disappearing.
as the sunset disinegrates i stop. and stare. and search.
and the gloom and panic of a sandstorm batters me with a questioning wind from all directions.
gathering force to whirl me off my feet and into the unknown.
i'm not really praying.
if i were praying i would not be worrying. and wondering about tomorrow.
why exactly do i want to go to oxford?
would i truly be prepared as a student?
should i continue to pursue english?
could i ever teach?
or write?
why i am at abu?
is there a better school?
why am i in calgary attempting to make a bundle of bucks in order to pay for a program i am not going to get into?
why am i even going to school in the fall?
why not travel and work?
why not go into art?
why not escape?
would i be taking the easy way out?
these ponderings perpetually plague me. popping up persistently.
[the darkness is oppressing
it surrounds me from all sides
so thick my eyes see nothing
but the blackness that subsides]
and all this is written while i have work in the morning and poetry due the same day.
i want someone to simply make all the decisions for me.
yet i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that no one is ever going to.
they can drown in their drops of opinions.
yet it is i who must ultimately take the plunge.
hmm. maybe i am to become a plumber.
my own comic attempts saddens me.
if any of you nonexistent readers would like to inform me of my future that would be greatly appreciated.
thanks.
a. pray
b. write
why not both at once.
my thoughts form many phrases which i hesitate to type.
many things build up to one thing which seems to cause the rest to tumble into a confusion of mess.
it seems as though my entire application to oxford rests on one certain history paper.
which i bombed.
why is it that they have no interest in my english papers?
english being the particular subject i am majoring in.
for so long oxford has shimmered in a haze on the horizon.
i have galloped fast and far. focusing on this faint hallucination.
which now appears to be quickly disappearing.
as the sunset disinegrates i stop. and stare. and search.
and the gloom and panic of a sandstorm batters me with a questioning wind from all directions.
gathering force to whirl me off my feet and into the unknown.
i'm not really praying.
if i were praying i would not be worrying. and wondering about tomorrow.
why exactly do i want to go to oxford?
would i truly be prepared as a student?
should i continue to pursue english?
could i ever teach?
or write?
why i am at abu?
is there a better school?
why am i in calgary attempting to make a bundle of bucks in order to pay for a program i am not going to get into?
why am i even going to school in the fall?
why not travel and work?
why not go into art?
why not escape?
would i be taking the easy way out?
these ponderings perpetually plague me. popping up persistently.
[the darkness is oppressing
it surrounds me from all sides
so thick my eyes see nothing
but the blackness that subsides]
and all this is written while i have work in the morning and poetry due the same day.
i want someone to simply make all the decisions for me.
yet i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that no one is ever going to.
they can drown in their drops of opinions.
yet it is i who must ultimately take the plunge.
hmm. maybe i am to become a plumber.
my own comic attempts saddens me.
if any of you nonexistent readers would like to inform me of my future that would be greatly appreciated.
thanks.
posted by bethany the brave at
11:23 PM
1 Comments:
oh bethany, perhaps this province that they call alberta has infected us with utter uncertainty. i still dont know where i am going in the fall, or if i what i applied for is really the right choice. all i truly want is someone to tell me what to do and where to go. i pray, but perhaps i am not listening. how then, do i listen? what must i do?
do you know for sure that you cant go to oxford next year? is 4th year still out of the picture for you? oh bethany i want to give you a great big hug. i wish i could tell you what is best. but i dont know.
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