merely moments ago i had it in my head that i was going to spew forth all my frustrations of the day. how i was feeling oddly blah and at odds with life. i don't entirely know what came over me. perhaps a combination of things building up in my brain. an overload of thoughts. i had one of those moments where out of overwhelming frustration i wanted to just bang my head on the wall repeatedly. for lack of a better idea. i just felt like i hadn't accomplished anything today. i felt guilty because i didn't go to the concert of prayer. my own small devotion seemed insignificant in comparison. i feel like i am not involved in anything. i have come to the conclusion that i am very selfish with my time. i just like having the freedom to be able to do whatever i feel like at whatever time. not having any prior engagements or obligations. but in that same breath i will say i wish i were. i wish i were involved with more things here at the school. to be more of a sociable person rather than the hermit i have become. however it makes it diffcult when i am equally introverted and extroverted. they like to battle back and forth sometimes. it's always up in the air who will win next. because i like very much to chill with people. but i also like very much to chill in my own little bubble. i have also realized that sometimes i tend not to think about things on purpose. that way if i avoid the subject i will avoid the conviction. and in avoiding the conviction i will avoid having to change. yet i always know it's there in the back of my mind. sometimes it's just relieving to confess these things. to get it all out. however then i know i will have to face the melody. sigh. my brain has been abuzz with busyness. with bothersome and beautiful thoughts. i am attempting to take it slow but life moves so fast and is full of decisions one has to make. decisions you will have to wake up to every morning. so many things have to be taken into account. but at the same time you can't overthink it. nothing will ever be perfect. love is a gift. take it and run. fast and far. just don't lose sight of your ultimate destination. i guess at the same time one must be prepared for such a journey as well... with deep breaths and determination to make it to the end. it is amusing to me as well when i think of how mopey i was feeling and then one thing after another somehow filled me with a happy contentedness. l-face was playing some sweet tunes. we jumped on the bed. we had coffee and candy. my dad called. my brother left me some love. bandana boy came in and talked about the devo he was doing tonight. that was sweet. i am about to escape on an excursion to sobey's. and i am also trying to recall some of my dear father's advice to my life. it was just one of those things you know is true. yet is so difficult to remember and daily live out. he was saying how it is impossible to be truly content with ourselves. in our self-worth and value. unless we find it in God alone. it is to our own folly if we base our state of mind and all our emotions on mere human relationships. unless you like emotional roller coaster rides. because as fallible beings we are incredibly imperfect. unreliable. moody. people will always let you down. but God is unchanging. it is only in Him that we can find forever acceptance and unconditional love. so if i can just remember that...

...ok the words above were from awhile ago...but i will post it anyway and just add this: today i had one of those sweetly special moments. i had been reading in this book about the little gifts given by God that are hidden in the everyday. how this girl had been strolling the beach and came upon hundreds of colourful starfish and saw it as something God had revealed just to her in that moment. and i myself was walking back to residence when i heard the soft, musical chicka-dee-dee-dee... and i have always had a soft spot for chickadees and i just smiled and thanked God for that cheerful moment. just the fact that i saw Him behind it made it dear to my heart. really we are forever surrounded by little gifts of God in nature. and in people. He's offering them to us with outstretched arms. we just have to be the ones who make the choice to open our eyes and accept them as from Him. and then on top of that little ray of sunshine in my day. i was catching up on my devos and i started reading about how we lack imagination to be able to see God in the nature surrounding us and then i read about how songbirds will sing in the dark. or wherever they are... it's been a nice morning. a lot of firm resolve on my part to just see joy in the everyday. i feel free. i'm not going to become tangled and torn unnecessarily. God's got the whole world in His hands. and anything could happen. i'll take it all as it comes.