Throughout this entire somewhat stressful situation of applying to oxford, dr. mantz's words had a soothing effect on my spirits. This is a man of high intellect, great wisdom, and deep thoughts (and sense of humour!) I have had the priviledge of being his student, adventuring on field trips, dining at his home with his lovely english wife and attending his landscape meditation small group. i have an incredibly high regard for this man. his e-mail was of great encouragement to me. (among others' words as well) it was everything i needed to hear. this is just the last little bit of his note:

"Remember to read, read, read until you become well-read. Just follow your interests and chase after what you would like to know. You are the bee in front of field of beautilful flowers (or ideas). Go and get them. Sweet is the taste of intellectual honey--especially Oxford flavour, as I have no doubt you will discover for yourself. Be encouraged. Best wishes for a full and happy summer of growing closer to God, who, in His grace, empowers you. DMANTZ"

when the moon shrugs its shoulders while i am drowning in an overwhelming crisis of questions as everyone else blissfully sleeps on, unaware of my crushing struggles, i conjecture there are but two options remaining:
a. pray
b. write
why not both at once.
my thoughts form many phrases which i hesitate to type.
many things build up to one thing which seems to cause the rest to tumble into a confusion of mess.
it seems as though my entire application to oxford rests on one certain history paper.
which i bombed.
why is it that they have no interest in my english papers?
english being the particular subject i am majoring in.
for so long oxford has shimmered in a haze on the horizon.
i have galloped fast and far. focusing on this faint hallucination.
which now appears to be quickly disappearing.
as the sunset disinegrates i stop. and stare. and search.
and the gloom and panic of a sandstorm batters me with a questioning wind from all directions.
gathering force to whirl me off my feet and into the unknown.
i'm not really praying.
if i were praying i would not be worrying. and wondering about tomorrow.
why exactly do i want to go to oxford?
would i truly be prepared as a student?
should i continue to pursue english?
could i ever teach?
or write?
why i am at abu?
is there a better school?
why am i in calgary attempting to make a bundle of bucks in order to pay for a program i am not going to get into?
why am i even going to school in the fall?
why not travel and work?
why not go into art?
why not escape?
would i be taking the easy way out?
these ponderings perpetually plague me. popping up persistently.
[the darkness is oppressing
it surrounds me from all sides
so thick my eyes see nothing
but the blackness that subsides]
and all this is written while i have work in the morning and poetry due the same day.
i want someone to simply make all the decisions for me.
yet i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that no one is ever going to.
they can drown in their drops of opinions.
yet it is i who must ultimately take the plunge.
hmm. maybe i am to become a plumber.
my own comic attempts saddens me.
if any of you nonexistent readers would like to inform me of my future that would be greatly appreciated.
thanks.